Where's the Shovel?!

So it's snowing. A lot. I recently watched an episode of Stephen Colbert's factual and compelling TV show. It's only a half hour long, but I always beg for more at the end of each viewing. "Please Stephen, please. Just one little encore. I must have more truth." In the show there was a segment about cold it is outside. Of course the satire kicked in immediately. I don't remember verbatim what he said but it was along the lines of how all the snow in Washington DC goes to disprove all this global warming. It went on and on and I'm thinking, "Wow. It's sad that the facts have to be wrapped up in a joke to make it's way onto TV." Sorry, no punchline to this story. Just reflecting out loud.
Here is a sample of the snow in Atlanta. I went out in the snow today to brave the outdoor wilderness. Yesterday I did the same. I was taking pictures and some guy chased me off his property. Apparently he doesn't want me taking pictures of his bathroom window. Whatever. I have a constitutional right to walk into his kitchen if I want to. Don't believe me?

Enough about my life as a paparazzi photographer. Comment on this blog and let me know how much white stuff you got this week. [I'm not talking about coke, you need to check into a clinic] It will be interesting to see how much snow everyone is getting. Thanks for reading!

Jane Says:

Lollapalooza. It was the summer before I started high school. I was young and dumb and wanted to go to a concert. It was my first concert ever and it was being held at the Central Florida Fairgrounds. It was so big that it had to be held out doors and there were more bands than I could shake a stick at. The atmosphere was like a horde of gypsies and punkers with clothes that I hadn't seen before. Hair defied gravity.

Alison Johnson and I spent a lot of time walking around checking things out. There were tents set up with circus acts and the usual venders selling cheep crap for unbelievable prices. New tee shirts were quickly muddied up by the mosh pit. After hours of entertainment and a list of bands that weren't norm for mainstream radio the day drew to a close and the sunset. When the others had finished, all the lights that were on went off. People started cheering and I was livid. I couldn't take my eyes from where the stage was once visible.

Then I heard the base line for Mountain Song. "COMING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN"

The flood lights went up. Jane’s Addiction started wailing. I didn't hear any of the music they played. I felt it. It's something that I vividly remember to this day. I've been to many concerts but this was the one that couldn't be topped. In 2003 I was able to see them again. This time I would bring my other friend, Will Bess and his girlfriend. But he fell through and wasn't able to come up with the money or some other excuse. I don't talk to Will any more. I think drugs have taken most of his life away from him and it is very sad. I went down to West Palm Beach alone and had a really good time. It was different this time and there was more stuff being sold and Audioslave was the highlight for me. Jane's Addiction came on last and had the usual electric neon light wild-circus-gone-bad aura going on. It was really fun but it wasn't like the Lollapalooza from 91.

I am pleased to announce that Perry Farrel is writing more music and the next step is another album. This made my day.

WARNING! This post contains the words: "Mariah Carey"

REVIEW:
Star Trek, released in 2009. The highly anticipated and probably the more talked about movie in the summer of 2009. Why did it get so much attention? Isn't it just another Star Trek film? Shame on you for thinking along those lines. I am not a 'Trekkie' but I do like Star Trek. I find it more realistic than Star Wars and it has more charisma than a lot of other sci-fi movies in general. Some people will hate me for the Star Wars comment but I like Star Wars too. Oh flip it. What I'm trying to say is that I'm a huge damn nerd. I would go into the dynamics of why Star Trek is more realistic and how I like the naval influence but you would just end up in a frenzy.

Back to the subject at hand. This installation to the Star Trek legacy is amazing because ultimately there are actors acting like actors that did a good job. I said 'good job' because it's extremely hard to harness the swagger of Captain Kirk or the dead pan of Spock. It was toned down for realism purposes but it shouldn't have been. I wanted to experience the hesitation in Kirk's voice. Maybe even a zoom in on his expression. Spock also has a certain confidence that might not have been there because of how the character was written. But overall the spirit was there and that's what counts. It took me about 30 seconds of saying "Who is that guy [Nero]" but I finally recognized the mouth and said 'Eric Bana!' Which was good, I think he did a good job as a villain. The plot, in true form, was confusing as usual. The only big problem (which is easily overlooked) I had was the design of the ship. I've seen a lot of Star Trek films so I know that if this is the prequel to all the other movies, the design of the ship should look old and simplistic, like the 70's version. It wasn't. Regardless of all these small issues, which I'm working out with my therapist, I loved the movie! I really really did. It was great to see Star Trek take a turn from the course it was on [no pun intended] and do something different. I'm glad the borg wasn't in the movie. I was expecting a Klingon or two but that's ok. I give this movie a 10 out of 10. I watched it twice in 3 days and plan to watch it again soon.

So right about now you're wondering what the hell does this have to do with Mariah. You are, aren't you??

I like Aerosmith. Actually I love the guys. I think they kick face and take prisoners. One of the things I think about when I hear that name is a wide mouthed dude dancing around in some raggy clothes and hitting some extreme high notes. Steven Tyler is having some rough patches but it's not new to him. He's a tough guy and he's very entertaining. How can you think of Aerosmith without Steven? I can't. I was going to post a few links to this story but I don't have to, you can find them all over the internet. There are a few quoting band mates that are saying he might be replaced. Then Rolling Stone has a quote from Steven saying he'll be back, everything is cool. It's hard to know what's really going to happen.

Why would they even try to replace him?!? Come on Joe, you know damn well that if you try to put someone in Steven's shoes it's like putting Mariah Carey in public office. People will suffer. Some things just can't be replaced and Steven is one of those things. Well actually he's a person, not a thing. Tim Geithner could step in for Mariah while she serves on the Board of Certified Trashy Singers. I wouldn't vote for her. I'd vote for Aerosmith and then propose an amendment to ban boiled peanuts.

Photo courtesy of: www.yourmoviestuff.com [http://www.yourmoviestuff.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/star-trek-symbol.jpg]

Theres a Little Black Dot on my Blog Todaaaayyyyyyy!

King of pain! I'll always be k . . . [look of astonishment] !! HEY, I'm still using the bathroom!

Isn't it great when someone catches you singing. You think to yourself, "ok, it's alright that I'm alone and no one will be tortured if I wail on this Wham! tune out loud." But oh no, you're never alone. Sometimes I like to roll down my windows and just sing my lungs out whilst in traffic. Rock music does that to some people.

I'm sorry, I'm totally off track again.

I owe and apology to Jennifer who posted a response last year and I did not get to it until tonight. Normally I would ask for forgiveness [even beg or bribe with chocolate] but tonight I'm going to make up an excuse. Back in November I was racing home to answer the blog post. I had just finished a long day working at the DMV handing out license plates and polishing shoes. I had to stop at S-mart [lol, Army of Darkness reference] and pick up some grapes to feed my kangaroo at home when a mindless 96 year old woman came out of no where and ran over my foot with her wheel chair. I think she had NOS installed in that chair.

So I wasn't able to respond correctly. It's there now so no harm done.

Ok, I went through my older posts and tried to find the one about people who do not knock on bathroom doors. I believe I went on babbling, in true form, about how I think people should knock on the restroom stall door. I've complained to a lot of people about this and everyone's response is along the lines of "I just look under the wall partition thing." Well it happened again today. I locked the stall, which actually did have a handle this time, not a stupid latch. No knock. Just a jiggle.

I'm sorry, you read all the way to the end of this post and all you got was a jiggle. It sucks. I know. There, there.  : ]

Image made possible by http://imperfectaction.com/blog/2009/04/02/entrepreneurship/a-granny-that-kicks-butt/

[Insert Title Here]

For the most part this blog can be mean and unforgiving. One might even go as far as saying "harsh." But in my twisted world, it is fair. I try to be fair. You see, if I notice someone picking thier nose in their car, I'm not going to say word one about it. The reasoning is that by picking one's nose, one does no harm to others. It may look gross and disgusting but if you should decide to pick your nose, so be it. Now. If you wear something completely knarly and you want to draw attention to yourself, I will be happy to write about you. Be warned. But not everything I write is a slam on someone or something and it is also hard to know what is going to come out before I push it out. EENNNRRGHHH!

I hope that seams reasonable. No? OK.

My Facebook is down. I disabled/destroyed/neglected it. I'm not sure what happened but I ended up with two accounts. There were two of me!!! Could you imagine? I think it would be horrible because my ego is too damn huge. It would be too much sexy. I know you agree.

Blog back!

So here's the concept: I would like to have a more 'interactive' blog. Here is your writing assignment. Comment below ~

What would you do with your identicle clone? Play a game, go to the circus, visit the liquor store or would you two sit on the couch? Have fun and make some nonsense!

McGwire Who?

Before going on about something very important that you will regret reading, I would like to acknowledge the new and improved banner graphic. I paid a Chinese refugee from Fuzhou to create it. At first he had a picture of a crane flying over a mountain and I almost barfed. After some motivational speech and a dash of violence he created the masterpiece you behold at the top of this blog. Also, please not that there is a new Dooms-Day gadget on the right hand side with some information about WW3.

I've noticed recently that people [in general] are very nice these days. I'm always getting compliments on how well I shaved this day and "nice choice of socks!" on that day and "Fantastic hair buddy!" all the time. I love it and I just want to take the time to acknowledge these people for brightening up my day.

Now, having said that, I'd like to examine, with a scientific approach, the situation at hand. Someone in the government used the "N" word. Senator Harry Reid is from Searchlight, Nevada. He is a democrat and a huge supporter of Barrack Obama. He supported him so much that he went as far as saying, "...light-skinned" African-American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one."

Here you can see an image of Mr. Reid without his white hood on.

Now naturally I usually don't use a lot of Photoshop [lie] but I felt obligated to fix Harry's hand in this instance.

And yes, I am aware that the President has given him a full pardon and accepted his apology. I'm aware that it is custom to forgive and let live. I am also savvy to the fact that mustard has no place on a chicken sandwich. But this isn't my first rodeo. This blog wasn't born yesterday. The keyboard I type on may be from DELL but there sure as shit ain't no farmer in it. You ain't pulling no golden fleece over my eyes!

Damn it, there goes my southern accent.

So what do we do about it? Should we say, "Oh well, he's human." Shall we accept; "We should forgive and allow him to pass laws." Is it correct to re-elect him? Hell yes! Let's throw him a parade while we're at it too. We can follow it up with a ceremony and present him with a bigotry medal of honor. Screw it, let's chisel out a statue of him holding a noose.

If you ask me, which no one should ever do, I would say this whole thing is a cover up story to take the spot light off of Mark McGwire.

Photo courtesy of www.cityweekly.net. However, the image is everywhere on the Internet.

You Can't Handle my Truth!

My Uncle Jerry and I have come to a conclusion for the whole "Tiger Woods" issue. He can't play golf anymore. Well, I mean, he could. If he needs to 'swing his stick' around more he's more than welcome. He can't advertise because no one wants to pay the guy. His wife will be leaving with a lump sum and I'm guessing he'll be bored with not much to do.

Well, he's met all the requirements for politics. He could be the next John Edwards! Vote for Tiger!!

I'm sure some of you are wondering why I haven't mentioned the 'Backdoor Bomber' (aka TNT Testicles, aka Captain Explosive Colon). The guy had plastic explosives strapped to his nuts. It's almost too easy to make fun of this jerk. I would say 'asshole' but I want to keep the cuss words to a minimum. The thing infuriates me but also, I'm glad no one was hurt. So why haven't I written about it? I've been busy. A lot has been going on with me so sorry.

Here we go.

Solution to security issues at airports across the globe!! I know this is a bit much but what is more important than safety?!? When I fly on a plane, which is rare now-a-days with all the lunatics out there, I like to know that I'm safe and that means scrutinizing every last damn person I see.

JOHN GOSLING UPDATE! One of his 23 children just made a poo poo! [this update brought to you by Vag-a-pill!]

I don't care if the wheel chair bound woman who is over the age of 95 can't even open her eyes. I want to know what is under her wig!! I don't care if someone is an Eskimo flying home to his/her igloo and is only carrying fish in his/her suitcase. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF FISH!! I kind of want to smell it too for some weird reason.

So here is the solution: Speedos.

I know what you're thinking. "My God, why hasn't anyone else thought of that?" Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that rhetorical question but I do have a picture of the new 'airport uniform' that we can make every last person on planet earth wear. At first I thought there would be some set backs, such as a 420 lbs person wearing a Speedo that no one can see, but I'd rather see the fat rolls [I have a few myself] than see a bomb. I'd rather see pubic hair than death. I'd rather see some acne than see another person hurt.

Women will have to wear two Speedos at a time in countries that oppress boobies.

NO THONGS! Completely unacceptable.