Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Recycled Spam

So I had this idea. And I'm sure it's been used before but I'm still saying it's mine. I also know not to start a sentence with "And." What if I can contribute to society by spreading the joy and laughter of this thing I call a blog? What if I can change the way average citizens of this wonderful nation think with a few strokes of my pen. Keyboard? Chisel?!

But what if?

Yes, you might have been misled here but you're hear now. You have to continue reading because I tend to go around in circles and some how end up in even more murky waters; metaphorically speaking. You have to try to decipher this mess and come out with some new information. You have to try to read between the lines. You have to pay your bills on time or your pets will rebel and re-arrange all your furniture while you are getting your bikini waxed.

Or do you?

Who waxes a bikini anyways? You thought I screwed up there didn't you? HA!

Look, I'm sorry you got spam and it lead here. The truth is you sort though that stuff every day. I do. It's crap. But think of all the fun we've had reading the subject lines!

"Buy Power Juice NOW! Increase Your Brain!"

"Tickle Your Realtor with New Home Loan Paper!"

"Increase the Size of Your Florida Part!"

"Hook up with Dirty Singles in your Neighborhood!"

"Get Arrested While Farting on Politicians!"

Spam has changed the way we think about Spam. Yeah, we used to get it in the ol' mailbox. You remember that thing that's at the end of the driveway? You don't? Never mind.

Well, regardless of how much we all hate spam like it Destiny's Step Child, we get it. We endure it. We trash it. It's part of life and now you've wasted some of yours reading this blog. I hope you enjoyed your time though. I don't do this to annoy anyone, I'm just a patsy. I didn't shoot the sheriff or the deputy but I am guilty of something. Something I've been reluctant to share with you all. Something I don't really talk about too much because I'm afraid it might scare all the lady's away.

I'm smoking hot.

Also: if I don't make it back to the keyboard in time, Happy Turkey Day.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

God Bless Our Troops!

Happy Veterans Day! Thank you to all who are serving and those who have. God speed and come home safe. We all miss you and hope for your safety.

Our country is in debt to you all.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

When Sarcasm Goes Wrong

Hey there! How was your weekend? Really? Schweet. I tweeted a few times. I always thought that site/idea/craze was silly and useless, but now I see the reason for it.

Shameless plug: http://twitter.com/CorporalTucker

There's something strangely humorous about saying "I tweeted a few times. Kinda gross.

So I'm plugging this site away pretty hard. I've been browsing reading other blog sites and plugging the link like a worker at a damn and I'm proud to say I got a few hits last week. But not that proud. Only a few. I need more. I need tons. Yes, I'm turning into a blog junky. So tell your friends. Bump the site. Flip it on flickr. Spam it on your smart phone. Text a link in your sink. Then sit back and wash it all down with a cool spudweiser.

Well there must be a reason why I want followers. Sure, I could say it's because everything needs love, even though this is only a web page and the web doesn't feel love. [[or does it?]] No, that's not the reason. The reason is because of this!

That's the big announcement I had to make. Look at the size of that text. It's huge. So is my head. Nothing earth shattering and I need to apologize to everyone out there that thought I was pregnant. That's not the big announcement.

Well it's not fully operational yet. The back end is being finished as I type this. I need to set up the actual purchasing process and that might take a couple days. Who knows? I'm in no rush but the shirt is pretty sweet and I know some of you will wanna get it as Christmas presents for your friends. Maybe you want to wear it to your next church meeting. Perhaps you can wear it to school, because school never censors anything....
"Save instantly on grumpy teenagers!"
Well now that the announcement is done I can get on with the post. I seriously took sarcasm a little too far. Someone sent me an email and well...I screwed up. But that's ok. I don't think I hurt anyone's feelings and now I can sit back and laugh at it all. I know the details are missing and everything is fill in the blank but that's the way it is sometimes.

Ok, lets say this (and I know it's happened to everyone) : You get an email you don't want. It's total junk mail and it's been sent along 60 times. 60! 60 poor people had to read the same dribble you did and waste 5 minutes of their life. Well. Sometimes I email everyone on that spam email list. I'll email the least sarcastic thing I can think of because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just find it entertaining.

Anyways, I did that but on a smaller scale and things are developing into shinanigans. It's really funny which makes it also "wrong."

Hand is cramping, back to shopping!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Friday - Lets Put This All Behind Us and Pretend it Didn't Happen

Not the best week. I’m looking forward towards the next one. I’m up at 1am and had a rough time with a sick baby and the bottle is looking pretty good right now. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit huffing lead paint. You know what? I’ll be right back cause I need pain pills.

New paragraph: new possibilities. So I’m pretty spiteful at 1am and I’ll have to add some sarcasm to try cover up the bad attitude. Once the Advil kicks in I’ll be good to go. I’m totally pumped for the weekend. I’m ready for my sedation. NURSE! Seriously, can I skip work and pass Go and collect 200 dollars? I want to do another review!

This week:

Monday – “Huh? Where am I? Oh shit, I’m back here again. Oh well, party is over. Time to take off my Donkey costume cause Halloween is over. Don’t want to be confused with the suckers at the election.”
Tuesday – Acted a fool and won a break dancing contest. Then I voted for what I wanted to vote for.

Wednesday – “Why am I still sick?” Despite feeling like a frog in a wheel barrow going down the side of Rushmore I was in good spirits.

Thursday – “Since it is 1am it still feels like today is Thursday but its Friday and wait. Huh? Where am I?”

Friday – Well here we are again. Hope your week was as fun as mine!

End of review

So yesterday, at work, I had a blog reader/co worker try to talk to me about Star Wars 3D and how he/she (for anonymous reasons) wants to marry it. The person was wearing all black so I immediately associated he/she with Darth Vador. Big mistake. I’m trying to cleanse my brain of that dirty film. My peeps test me with traps but I’m like that dude in pit fall. All 25 pixels of him! Boing boing!

Ok that last sentence was for Swamp People. Oh my goodness Billy Jean is not my lover, that show is hilarious. I hate to be a racist and laugh at white people but those good ol’ boys are fuggin hilarious. WoooooWeee! It’s not that I find them stupid because they way they talk, it’s just that I find the way they talk stupid. 

Ok, my lower spine is starting to settle down. I think I can go to sleep now. 

Random photo I took, yes you can borrow it
Thanks for reading. You make it worth coming back to the keyboard. I’ll see you next week. I promise to write this time. And just to leave you with some suspense, I may or may not have something up my sleeve. Tune to find out. It’ll be worth it, I promise.

It's Complicated

So once upon a time I created, er, a blog. Or was it born from the steal trap and rusty cage that is my mind? W/E. Point is that I started this dish towel with 4 things in mind: Reviews, Rants and Propaganda. While I've been really good with the last two, I've totally slacked on the first.

So in honored tradition, here is a review:

Google TV.

Why do I want one of these so badly? Well, a little back-story: Internet-TV has failed horribly up until about a few weeks ago. There were a few products, that escape my mind at the moment, that have pulled the plug at the monster that is Internet-TV.

Why does Google TV work? Crap, I don't know. I sure as heck love the smell of it though. No seriously, I've test driven it at BestBuy. Without a helmet.

I'm dangerous.

But the test drive was a bit off. The TV and all was great. I would say it scored 95% on the wicked-knarly-wild-cool scale. But I saw there are three options; the Sony built in version, the external Sony Google Blue Ray player and the Logitech.

Where am I going with this? Well I have an opinion and I think you'd better keep reading. Don't you try to browse away from me! DON'T LEAVE ME! WHY!?!

Sorry. So the conclusion would be that I'm leaning towards the Logitech brand. Comes with a keyboard and doesn't limit TV remote. I'm missing out on the Blue Ray but I still think the keyboard is mega-sweet.

I could write more about this but why?

Here's a random sentence:
Fred stopped yelling at the microwave as the trees swayed out side his apartment window and the neighborhood cat sits with a stare that could stop one dead in their tracks.

I think I'll do another review tomorrow and touch on the topic of chemical effects of rust and different alloys. Just kidding, I don’t think that hard. Toodles and happy Thursday!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Orange Man Cometh!

You either love him or you don’t. A lot of people say they can’t stand him. Well, fortunately I’m here to correct those people. Anyone who doesn’t get his comedy can be forgiven. But only once.

Behold! The day comes when a man who from you will stand apart and above for his height is crazy. And you shall know him as Coco. His dance will lure you in and his hair will bring peace to the TV. Whoa are those whom watch the Networks for they know not the way of TBS.

Very Funny.

I might have over done it with the whole prophecy bit. November 8th is the day. Can’t wait. I had to go to his site and watch episode zero. I his commercials are epic

Did you vote yesterday? Yeah? Cool. So did I. I’m not sure what the results are but I’m pretty sure everyone will find something to complain about. I’ve already noticed a trend on Facebook. There’s always good content on the comedy channels during this season because people who run our government get a chance to go out there and say stupid things. Outlawing masturbation. You can’t make that stuff up. It’s pure content.

Crap, I won’t get into it. I’d be here forever going on about how I should have won yesterday.

So how was your election ceremony experience? Please leave a response with a lovely tail of how you met some strangers and they looked at your drivers’ license and then you decided the fate of our world.
See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Read My Blog - Save a Spiders Life! (just kidding)

In honor of the banner change, I have decided to do a marathon blog roll. *Cheering soundtrack plays in the background*  Ok, by marathon; I really mean one a day for the rest of this week. I owe it to you. You deserve it, especially after you made the decision to wear that shirt out in public.

Just kidding! I love you.

Still friends? Cool. We should come up with an inside handshake later.

So, just to update all the cool, awesome and totally perfect in ever way readers: I’m totally sick. I’ve been under the weather for a couple days now. It sucks. Being sick is like getting your leg caught in the car door and deciding to just go and drive with your foot exposed to all sorts of dangers like dogs with small bladders and fire hydrants and mailboxes and really small dinosaurs. Maybe I over dramatized that last sentence. Maybe I didn’t.

MS Word is telling me that one of those sentences is fragmented. Well MS Word isn’t paying for my therapy so MS Word can go eat a sandwich for all I care. MS Word is a spouse beating alcoholic. HA! Sometimes if you spread a rumor far enough, it reaches a new continent and declares independence and starts a new country call Farce-a-lot. MS Word should go to Farce-a-lot. It’s sort of ironic that I’m blasting the very program that makes the words you’re ready. That’s how I roll.

In addition to the new banner, you might notice my “About Me” is gone. Yeah, I replaced it with the poll. I don’t think it’s coming back.


Ok, a lot of nonsense goes on here but this part is true. I wanted to give some information that you might be interested in. A month or so ago I found out my neighbors two doors down were cooking meth in their house. Just FYI.


So yeah. It’s always interesting to find out what your neighbors are up to, especially if it comes in the form of a five year sentence (if it’s her first offense) felony charge. Who needs CNN when there are drug busts going on down the street?

Monday, November 1, 2010

STAR WARS 3D? Hell no!

Friends, Romans, countrymen - lend me your ears; I come to bury Bubba Fett, not to praise him.

I’m sorry, that’s all the culture you’ll get tonight. Or morning. It really depends when you read this. I honestly don’t know where to start. I could start with 1997 . . .

[Que scene blurry effect sequence]

I was 20 years old and getting ready for the Marine Corps. I was focused on losing weight and running 3 miles in under 24 minutes. The details are fuzzy but I remember a dingy low budget movie theater and some friends from college that wanted to go see . . . . drum roll . . . that’s what the little dots are . . .

Star Wars!

What? My first reaction was, and I quote: “Wahwahwah huh how? Bu bu but I haven’t heard anything about it!” And then I pee’d myself. Not really, but metaphorically. I went bananas. Again, not literally.

So I was pshysched. I thought it might even be better than the original. I went and I saw it and I scratched my head. Then the girl I went with said she didn’t want to go on another date. Bummer. The whole experience, looking back now, sucked. I can’t find a better way to describe it. I was like a vacuum sucking the cool out of this childhood dream that I collectively shared with my cousins and my brother.

But, to be critical of myself, I can understand how George (we’re not really on a first name basis) could do this. It’s his baby. It’s his masterpiece and his work of art. I once heard a beggar in Agrabah say, “A true artist will always review his/her work and will always want to perfect it.” Ok it wasn’t really in Agrabah, it was at school. Minor mistake. I’m getting off point here. Again. It’s a common theme here at LTNB.

But aside from trying to put myself in his shoes and the horrible remake, I really do like the Star Wars Series (Hexology?) Or do I? I did. I know that much. When my cousins and I and my brother would gaze at our action figures and the huge Darth Vador mask-thingy we stored them in, there was a gleam in our eye. We loved Star Wars. Loved it.

Something happened that summer of 97. It was like a series of “WTF’s” that were aligned against me.

I like 1,2 and 3. Yeah, yeah - Jar Jar is a douche, but I can get past that. Really bad acting too.

So what’s with my attitude? 4 out of 6 movies isn’t a bad track record. Well there’s this. Come on!! REALLY? Nice comic book work. Good thing I have a printer cause I’m running out of toilet paper. Nice job on the erotic Yobana. That goes great with my childhood. [insert more sarcastic hateful words]

And then there’s this: Napoleon Vador? Are you shitting me?

I’ve had it. I’m done. I’m turning in my Rebel Alliance badge. Flip you princess Leah. Thanks Lucas, for ruining what Jim Henson worked so hard on. Yeah, the CGI worked great! Idiot.

No, I'm not off my meds.

Flip the force! I’ve got a lightsaber and the right mind to shove . . .

I feel so let down. I’m very sad. I want to rant some more but some of you non-geeks are getting upset at the length of this post.

Harrison Ford is a creepy old man! Had to get that last one in.