Monday, November 1, 2010

STAR WARS 3D? Hell no!

Friends, Romans, countrymen - lend me your ears; I come to bury Bubba Fett, not to praise him.

I’m sorry, that’s all the culture you’ll get tonight. Or morning. It really depends when you read this. I honestly don’t know where to start. I could start with 1997 . . .

[Que scene blurry effect sequence]

I was 20 years old and getting ready for the Marine Corps. I was focused on losing weight and running 3 miles in under 24 minutes. The details are fuzzy but I remember a dingy low budget movie theater and some friends from college that wanted to go see . . . . drum roll . . . that’s what the little dots are . . .

Star Wars!

What? My first reaction was, and I quote: “Wahwahwah huh how? Bu bu but I haven’t heard anything about it!” And then I pee’d myself. Not really, but metaphorically. I went bananas. Again, not literally.

So I was pshysched. I thought it might even be better than the original. I went and I saw it and I scratched my head. Then the girl I went with said she didn’t want to go on another date. Bummer. The whole experience, looking back now, sucked. I can’t find a better way to describe it. I was like a vacuum sucking the cool out of this childhood dream that I collectively shared with my cousins and my brother.

But, to be critical of myself, I can understand how George (we’re not really on a first name basis) could do this. It’s his baby. It’s his masterpiece and his work of art. I once heard a beggar in Agrabah say, “A true artist will always review his/her work and will always want to perfect it.” Ok it wasn’t really in Agrabah, it was at school. Minor mistake. I’m getting off point here. Again. It’s a common theme here at LTNB.

But aside from trying to put myself in his shoes and the horrible remake, I really do like the Star Wars Series (Hexology?) Or do I? I did. I know that much. When my cousins and I and my brother would gaze at our action figures and the huge Darth Vador mask-thingy we stored them in, there was a gleam in our eye. We loved Star Wars. Loved it.

Something happened that summer of 97. It was like a series of “WTF’s” that were aligned against me.

I like 1,2 and 3. Yeah, yeah - Jar Jar is a douche, but I can get past that. Really bad acting too.

So what’s with my attitude? 4 out of 6 movies isn’t a bad track record. Well there’s this. Come on!! REALLY? Nice comic book work. Good thing I have a printer cause I’m running out of toilet paper. Nice job on the erotic Yobana. That goes great with my childhood. [insert more sarcastic hateful words]

And then there’s this: Napoleon Vador? Are you shitting me?

I’ve had it. I’m done. I’m turning in my Rebel Alliance badge. Flip you princess Leah. Thanks Lucas, for ruining what Jim Henson worked so hard on. Yeah, the CGI worked great! Idiot.

No, I'm not off my meds.

Flip the force! I’ve got a lightsaber and the right mind to shove . . .

I feel so let down. I’m very sad. I want to rant some more but some of you non-geeks are getting upset at the length of this post.

Harrison Ford is a creepy old man! Had to get that last one in.

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