Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Please Remain Calm

If you believe in UFOs and you live in Norway, your greatest moment just happened. As you walked out the front door of your igloo and looked up into the sky before mounting your snow-mobile you would have noticed something different. Just slightly different.

Considering the ship was cloaked, Oslo the Norwegian fisherman, was only able to see the tractor beam/ray/light (or “what-have-you”). Instead of boarding the S.S. Sminskster that morning, Oslo immediately went back inside his house to call his friends Oggle, Fuggfort and Dergle. And panic would soon follow.

This is pure nonsense at it’s best. No one is going to believe the BS our government is putting out. “A failed Soviet missle?” Are you serious? Come on! I’m not just going to just sit back while Dergle and Oslo get probed by the very same “beings” that are responsible for Mad Cow Disease.*

We, as Americans, need to be ready. We need to regroup and focus on what is important. We need to keep a level head and be responsible here.

We need to stockpile weapons.

Usually I would go out and buy an assault riffle or an automatic shotgun during these situations. However, I don’t believe it will help us if these “beings” decide to use a death ray or proton torpedos. Nah, I think I’ll be purchasing a hellfire missle with a guidance system and a whole bunch of concrete mix for my new bunker. If I had the money, which I don’t, I would also invest in a helicopter. I don’t know how to fly one nor do I think I really need one, but it sure would be cool.

Bragging rights in the neighborhood: I would just park it in my driveway. No more comments from the H.O.A. They would poop [censored for your protection] themselves something fierce if they knew who they were messing with. I’m imagining myself now talking to a reporter:


“Yeah, I knew this was going to go down. I have a hard time believing a government that allows cable television the right to air shows like “American Idol” and “Little House on the Prairie.” My wife is with her folks up in the hills. She’ll be safe during the war. How does my hair look?”


“Sir, I can’t use that statement because of our sponsors. Did you see the space ship before launching your AGM-114? And where did you learn how to operate this equipment?”


“Damn your sponsors ma’m. We’re at war with aliens that want to hide stuff in our orifices and all you can think about is Clay Aiken?” WTF? Anyways, the missle ain’t hard to fire, I’ve practiced a few on Cuba.”

“What’s with the helicopter?”

“Sexy, ain’t it?”

*This comment needs support. I'm trying to hint at cows being abducted by aliens. If this does not make sense [title of blog] please watch old episodes of South Park until you get the humor. That is all.

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