You Can't Handle my Truth!

My Uncle Jerry and I have come to a conclusion for the whole "Tiger Woods" issue. He can't play golf anymore. Well, I mean, he could. If he needs to 'swing his stick' around more he's more than welcome. He can't advertise because no one wants to pay the guy. His wife will be leaving with a lump sum and I'm guessing he'll be bored with not much to do.

Well, he's met all the requirements for politics. He could be the next John Edwards! Vote for Tiger!!

I'm sure some of you are wondering why I haven't mentioned the 'Backdoor Bomber' (aka TNT Testicles, aka Captain Explosive Colon). The guy had plastic explosives strapped to his nuts. It's almost too easy to make fun of this jerk. I would say 'asshole' but I want to keep the cuss words to a minimum. The thing infuriates me but also, I'm glad no one was hurt. So why haven't I written about it? I've been busy. A lot has been going on with me so sorry.

Here we go.

Solution to security issues at airports across the globe!! I know this is a bit much but what is more important than safety?!? When I fly on a plane, which is rare now-a-days with all the lunatics out there, I like to know that I'm safe and that means scrutinizing every last damn person I see.

JOHN GOSLING UPDATE! One of his 23 children just made a poo poo! [this update brought to you by Vag-a-pill!]

I don't care if the wheel chair bound woman who is over the age of 95 can't even open her eyes. I want to know what is under her wig!! I don't care if someone is an Eskimo flying home to his/her igloo and is only carrying fish in his/her suitcase. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF FISH!! I kind of want to smell it too for some weird reason.

So here is the solution: Speedos.

I know what you're thinking. "My God, why hasn't anyone else thought of that?" Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that rhetorical question but I do have a picture of the new 'airport uniform' that we can make every last person on planet earth wear. At first I thought there would be some set backs, such as a 420 lbs person wearing a Speedo that no one can see, but I'd rather see the fat rolls [I have a few myself] than see a bomb. I'd rather see pubic hair than death. I'd rather see some acne than see another person hurt.

Women will have to wear two Speedos at a time in countries that oppress boobies.

NO THONGS! Completely unacceptable.