Huh?

What the hell is going on?

I totally got this off the internet.
Don't sue.

There are monkeys - illegal monkeys - trying to cross our boarders and take the jobs of hard working U.S. monkeys! How about we change that law that's up for debate Mr. Obama and include the interrogation of monkeys.

Monkeys!

And while that is happening, this is happening. It's happening all over the place! You better watch out or you'll get some 'happen on you! (said with a southern accent)

I haven't posted in a while because my brain is still trying to comprehend some of this stuff. It's amazing. Keagan got in. Good for her. I hope those old dirty men can keep their filthy hands off her so she can do her job. Maybe there might be a supreme court calendar in the making. I wish. But who goes around declaring themselves "supreme." Kinda inflated if you ask me.

Pakistan (sorry if I didn't pronounce it right) is flooding. Someone call a plumber.

At least that oil thing is all done. Sheesh! What ever, the gulf was dirty long before BP burst a hemorrhoid 4 billion miles below the surface. And now there are eggs being recalled.

What the hell people? Who's running this donkey race? I think it's about time to forget about fixing stuff and just start blaming people. I will start with Sarah Peterson in Sandusky, Ohio. Yeah, you know damn well what you did. I hope you're proud of yourself. Thanks a lot! I hope a giant octopus falls on your head when you go to pee in a public restroom. Lets see you talk your way out of that.

Some good news. I was right! HA! I knew it! Rod Blagogo-manwhich was innocent! I told you! Please refer to older posts. He's totally off the hook. 1 out of 24 charges. And it was lying to the feds. Big deal! Everyone lies to the feds. The feds lie to us. It's the circle of lies *que lying king music. It's good to see Rod get off. He just looks like a stand up guy. The sort of guy you want to talk to in a bar. The sort of 'dude' you can trust with your money. The sort of guy you want in the bathroom stall next to you when your "restless leg syndrome" starts going off because you know he won't turn on you or flip out and tell the cops.

Nathan Keagan?

So things are doing good here. I'm pretty happy even though the temperature is a bazillion degrees. I think we've put a stop to the ants that have invaded the kitchen floor and we might be buying a mini van. My co workers think mini van is a cuss word. I don't know why. Apparently none of them have had a large load they've had to drive around.

I'm looking forward to some away time in Ashville N.C. It's right next to the Appalachian mountains and it's a cute little town. We won't be going to the Builtmore. They have enough money, they don't need ours. That's not the real reason, as we're not allowed to take photography there. Yeah right! They're gonna charge $50 a head and not let me take pictures.

Maybe I'll go just to clog their toilets. We'll stop at Taco Bell first.  : ]

Something I wanted to warn everyone about. It's pretty gross. You might have seen these in the grocery store sitting next to my beloved Cool Ranch Dorritos. Dorritos came out with a "Late Night" series. BLEGH! Do not try the Late Night Cheeseburger. Holy Hasslehoff they're disgusting. At first you think, "Hmm. This sort of taste like a cheeseburger on my dorrito. Oh wait. Something is happening in my mouth. Dear God no! ERGGHHHBBRLLRBBHPP" The taste will proceed to mutate into an elephant fart in your mouth. Swallow that.

Speaking of farts. The supreme court is going to induct another into it's "Cool Kids Only" club. This woman is so pretty I don't know what to think. When I look at her I can almost here her saying, "Hey. Hey you. Do you want to take me to the beach and rub coconut juice all over my back?"

I'm sorry. Here's a picture of her next to Nathan Lane. Shame on me.

Lightening Rod for Justice!

Rod will finally have his day in court today. Today the truth will ring forth and the media will have to retract all their opinions about Hot Rod Blago. How easily we turn our back on this hero, this champion of the common man, this portrayer of pompadour! All hail Rod Blagoyowsudgd.

I know that some of you may not know too much surrounding the case because the media has yet to report about it. I can’t find it anywhere on the TV. Well Rod is being accused of selling P2P (power to the people) versions of the movie “Far Cry.” When asked why he tried to sell the pirated movie on the internet he said, “I’ve got this thing and is floppin’ golden and you don’t give that away for zippin’ nothing.”  Rod Blagoadonovich is also accused of tampering with Georgia’s CRT test scores, breaking the oil pipe in the gulf of Mexico, riggin the elections in Iran, stealing candy from a baby, Darfor, and crimes against hair dressers.

Personally I think the government is doing a wonderful job at smearing a good guy’s name through the mud. They’re taking a perfectly innocent and caring person who only provides for the city of Chicago and they’re putting his nuts in a grinder. They’re taking a saint who walks on lake Michigan and cures disease with a twitch of his nose and they’re shoving hot coals and pepper spray up his poop shoot. They’re taking a super human who will be etched in our country’s history and they’re cutting off reproductive organs and flailing them around town square while chanting “Down with the Governor! Up with the Ice Cream!”

So I am here today to announce his innocence. FREE ROD BLAGOGENYVICTUS!

On a more happy note, Toy Story 3 is going to premiere next Friday. I suggest everyone go out and watch the film, it will be fantastically wonderful. They have a pretty good track record. Can you think of a “bad” Pixar movie? Me neither!

Here are some pictures of famous "Rods." Enjoy!

Flash Wars!

More nerd news. I know: you're not a nerd and you think highly of your self and you don't love sci fi movies and you're not really in a closet about computers and techie stuff. Right. Sure.

Actually you might find this interesting (or maybe not) if you are a big fan of Apple. I have a cousin that likes Apple and Macs. I actually enjoy using them and I consider myself bi-lingual. Either way, an Apple computer is just that: a computer. No need to start a cult and follow some guy around and hang on his every word even if he (or his company) re-invents the cell phone. No need to gush over this new iPad thing and get all crazy nutz and wait in line over night at the store for one. No need to cry in the shower when Whitney Houston comes on the radio...

"...But I know I'll think of you every step of the way
And IIIIiiiiiii...EEE...IIIIIiiiiiiIIIIIiiiiIII... Will always love you, oohh will always "

Sometimes you just have to let it out. (I love the sparkly background effects)

Well, back to the story, I was going to make a statement about a cult or something. Yeah, Apple has a huge following. Steve is their leader. They will crush any enemy Steve directs them towards. He wakes up at 4 am and levitates above the kitchen table and foresees the future. He's sort of like a wizard. Like a jedi. 

And so thus begins the Flash Wars.

Its actually not a really huge deal. It's a open source, DRM thing. If that doesn't make sense, it's ok. It's nerd-speak for . . . ummm  . . . something. Anyways, I've been reading up on this. A lot. Actually more than a lot. I have some interesting out takes from the flame forums. I thought you might enjoy.

All of the open systems rhetoric from Apple is just to distract the suckers.  - Jedidiah

One person's freedom is likely to be another's cage. - LLCI

But we'll conveniently ignore those things because... what's that behind you?!?! Look! Flash sucks! - fitten

I'm not a Flash developer. I don't know one whit of Flash. I do totally appreciate the amount of rework that needs to be done when the best platform for the job is disabled by your users. It sucks. Really, truly sucks. Move this pile of dirt. Now move it back with a smaller shovel and no cart.  - AlexFromOmaha

I profoundly object to Apple being able to choose what I can run and "experience", but Flash is not one of the things I'll run and enjoy on my non-Apple phone.  - Obarthelemy

Ok, the last one I added because it makes absolutely no sense. It's just someone adding their idea. An idea with no purpose. Much like a sentence without a verb. I read it 3 times trying to understand it and found no logic. Awesome.

So right now there are 2 sides. Forget about all the other companies and Microsoft. Just Adobe and Apple swinging sticks at each other. Pretty entertaining. Want to know something else entertaining? I've decided to enter the fight. I want in on the Flash Wars. I will be joining the battle as a 3rd party. Starting now. It is my grand and absolute pleasure to introduce to you . . . Pear.

I will have to find a way to annoy the Adobe company too but for now, I will just have to predict a future video in a certain mall "kiosk." I just used quotations because I don't like the word "kiosk." I don't have a good reason. It just offends me.

 

Spiders are Your Enemy

I'm so behind on updating my blog. I need to apologize to you, the reader. The kind soul that has found their way here. The hero of old whom casts fear to the wind and smiles upon justice. The very person responsible for my fate in an upside down world full of rabid dogs and robots with naughty attitudes.

I think there are a few stories that I need to revisit. You may or may not know (depending on how much of this garbage you read) that I reported Tim Tebow is a cyborg with a canon arm who can't loose football games. Well we know how that went last year. He was drafted to the NFL. Plays for the Donkeys or something.

On the last post I mentioned some angst feelings towards soggy disgusting boiled peanuts. I still hate them. Nothing changed there. However, I would also like to add spiders to that list of stuff that makes me bonkers. Spiders have only one place in this world. And that place is hell.

Kind of dramatic huh?  = ]  I like to make things interesting.

Read. Think. Flush. Repeat.

Tower this is Melta flight 86. We are on approach to M.A.N. with an ETA of 25 minutes. Copy.

Melta this is tower, we are sorry but you will have to avert landing due to a toxic fart that has erupted from Mt. EHGSWJKELH.

Tower, could you please repeat the name of the Mountain?

Flight 86, it is Mt. EHGSWJKELH. Do you copy?

Roger Tower. I copy Mt. EHGSWJKELH. Are you sure you are pronouncing it right?

Flight 86, BRB bathroom break. Out.

--Five minutes later--

Tower this is flight 86. I can see the dark fart in the distance. It looks horrible. We're going to turn around now. Call us if you need anything.
TTFN. Over.

Ok, now I know a lot of people are uber pissed that they missed their flights. Totally understandable and I wouldn't want to be in their shoes. Or flip flops. Or high heals. What ever.

I have sympathy for people stuck in an airport. I was stuck in one for 2 years. It's true. Some what. I worked there.

Bottom line is there may or may not be some complications with ashes collecting in an engine intake. Do you want to be the first person that finds out the results? I think we can all answer that with big fat hell no.

Another silver lining (quite the optimist today for some reason) to this disaster is that everyone should have fun "people-watching" others in the airport wearing their new citizen uniforms. If you are unfamiliar with this new policy please click here.

All in all, no one was killed in a plane crash due to inclimate weather. I'm going to take a different stance than all the critics. Good job European governments. Horay! Hip hip horay! "For they are jolly good fellows, for they are jolly good fellows!"

Ok, now that I'm done with that BS, here's some more: I was sitting in my cube today, And I hade a brief conversation with Tyler. He inspired me to write this Haiku.

Fall my friendly leaves.
The windmill blows us apart.
Float towards your fate.

I think I officially need a drink. Or the whole bottle. Weekend, here I come.

Read. Think. Flush. Repeat.

I almost forgot to wish everyone a happy Earth Day. What is the premise of this holiday? I propose that it is; "We live on a planet. It's called Earth."
Something unbelievably simple. I guess it's hard to be thankful for the Earth when I haven't been to any other planets. I know a lot of you wish I would visit one. Cough cough.

Awkward pause.

Some of you may or may not know that I used to be the organizer behind a hate group. Whoa. Easy there. Don't call the police! The hate group was named "The Boiled Peanut Hate Group." It had to do a lot with what is going on down here in the South. A lot to do with disgusting and filthy trash that is sold along the side of the road. A lot to do with a bunch oh "Hoo Haa" if you will.

Well the group is officially dismantled. It had to die in order to make way for this nonsense. I see it as a trade off. Much like how Ben Rothlisburgers needs to be traded to Pakistan.

Crisis Averted!

And, as promised, I am pleased to announce the first ever LTNB awards for the biggest failure of 2009. At first I didn't think we'd have a winner because I was the only person to vote, but it turns out, there are 2 others.

Here is a link to the video for the awards. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQt3o0pD7aw Not very exciting but at least there is more information. Please take note of the awesome T-shirt I'm wearing! Ha.

In all honesty, I thought the vote was going to be just me. I had planned to accept the award MYSELF! I was the only voter during the month of March. So I had a bag of shame, [which I will wear during any Falcons - Eagles game] which I constructed from a normal grocery bag. Paper: I recycle! But the crisis was averted. 2 people voted yesterday. Amazing!

Some strange and wild stuff happened last week. I went to a town in northern Georgia named Helen. It's an interesting town and if you visit it, you'll have the similar feeling of having stepped into Fantasy Land from Disney.

And here are a few silly pictures of Helen GA.